to the question of my experiences, as it relates to cosmic meaning: hx 17 –> 55

it used to be a favorite concern of mine– to relate my personal experiences to the whole cosmic meaning of my life as a whole. i have used the i ching in this regard since my beginning with it, since i was 14 years old. in the past few years these questions have fallen to the wayside, since i have been preferring the immediacy of “the moment” and a sense of letting go of meaning in favor of “just because”. i’m returning to it tonight. maybe its the general anxiety of being a single mom who must make bills, dwelling in an unstable work environment. maybe just because its time.

the exact question, as i posed it to the i ching, was “why am i experiencing these things, in a cosmic sense, as it relates to my whole life?”

i have been thinking about hx 17 quite a bit these past few weeks. i dreamt about mist, whom i might always associate with this hexagram. i had previously understood it to relate to particular lessons that surround learning to be a true leader– i do not think that is untrue now, but i do think that there was not enough emphasis put on the whole experience of being led. that is likely my ego. even just before i sat down to write this musing, i was thinking, “i’m just not used to NOT being queen bee.”

a totally absurd thought, given my situation. i actually am queen bee of my life right now, more than i ever have been. and yet i am within the delicate shackles of “no authority” in my work experience. there is no reason why i shouldn’t be experiencing this position– after all, i have practically no work experience which should put me in a position of authority, and i will be the first person to admit that i do not have the general life experiences to lead administratively in the workforce. in practically every way i am pleased to accept this position of following at work, practically being the operative word of course. there is definitely something which causes me to ruffle my feathers a bit at it. i think it is just ego, and i think that i am learning to remove it from my life.

but to receive this hx in conjunction with 55? what a paradox– and it shouldn’t be, i’m almost sure of it. the fact that i cannot yet understand the relatedness is probably the whole jewel of what i am needing to experience right now.

there is an element of quiet listening that is suggested with 17. its a social quietness. not about listening to inner voices or babbling brooks or dusty philosophies. it is about listening to those immediately around you, without any other motive but to allow the experience of listening cause some sort of chemical reaction within, that eventually translates to taking right action. is it possible to be so strapped into this path, and still be able to give a listen? just when the situation seems to suggest that i need to exhibit vigilance, action, movement, proactivity. i don’t want to do those things at all of course. i’d rather do a bit of quiet listening.

ideally i think i would like to come out of this listening with a sense of love for those at work who hold me in this very precarious position. even as i write this, i know it is completely untrue that any being at work could truly hold me to my experience. i know that i am holding myself to any thing i perceive myself holding to. which hx is it that discusses the three ways to hold firm?

holding is similar to attachment. similar, but not the same. i think there is a moral principle to the former and a human principle to the latter. and just as morality can be a human issue, and human-ness can trigger questions of morality, it does not necessarily hold true that the two topics be synonomous.

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Protected: hx 11.6–>26 Questions of equilibrium and effort

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Protected: Paychecks and Self Worth

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one of life’s great pleasures: autonomy and an occassional cigarette

it is sunday, and i had gotten caught up in my busy work week– a work week which stretched on into my weekend. i became temporarily consumed in it, in exactly the way i criticize others in this town for doing. i had forgotten to find something small to appreciate.

so this is it, here on my last weekend evening before another harrowing work week, here it is– my something small to celebrate about life.

i am having an alone moment, on my balcony with the new bamboo rug i have purchased, already adorned with bird poopies, the hum of the laundry going in the background, and a great wind rattling the naked trees by my side. i am celebrating autonomy (autonomy!) with my occassional cigarette, and thinking nothing but how great it is to notice a change in season. i’m not enjoying a cup of coffee– i quit that recently, just for a bit. i’m not without sunday chores– i’ve got the toilet cleaner in the potties, awaiting a good scrub, and family laundry rolling about in the rumbly white drum, dinner to be cooked… but i am quite pleased. MY toilets. MY washing machine. MY groceries in the cupboard. MY poopy covered expensive bamboo patio rug. MY choice to not drink coffee. MY happy little family awaiting their clean toilets, and grub, and deliciously clean clothing.

A big thankee kindly to the universe for these gifts. My heart is content.

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Protected: cleave. what a silly appropriate word.

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Hx 47, 3rd line

A man permits himself to be oppressed by stone,
	And leans on thorns and thistles.
	He enters the house and does not see his wife.
	Misfortune.

This shows a man who is restless and indecisive in times of adversity. At
first he wants to push ahead, then he encounters obstructions that, it is true,
mean oppression only when recklessly dealt with. He butts his head against a
wall and in consequence feels himself oppressed by the wall. Then he leans
on things that have in themselves no stability and that are merely a hazard
for him who leans on them.  Thereupon he turns back irresolutely and
retires into his house, only to find, as a fresh disappointment, that his wife is
not there. Confucius says about this line: 

If a man permits himself to be oppressed by something that ought not to
oppress him, his name will certainly be disgraced. If he leans on things upon
which one cannot lean, his life will certainly be endangered. For him who is
in disgrace and danger, the hour of death draws near; how can he then still
see his wife?

Protected: rolling on the waves of anxiety

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building up the home

it will take awhile to build up my home– i am needing to choose one thing at a time to purchase, and then save up for it for a few months. for example, in the beginning of january i will be able to purchase my patio set. this past month i bought my sofa. i feel the patio thing is a priority because it will really extend the living spaces of this small apartment. after the patio, the next thing i am saving for until february will be the pet expense. after the pet expense i think i am going to save for my ’studio’– which is sort of a laughable title for it. basically i am going to convert my second patio into my studio space, and i will need an easel. the one i have found that is the most appropriate for what i do at the most appropriate price is a little over $600. i will need to weather proof it if i can, and also figure out a lighting solution– since i will mostly be working at night.

a density of lightness that smothers the surroundings

as far as i can tell (and i know i’ll ruin my whole grasp on the thing as i rely on words) there seems to be some sort of very long linear pass, very long and horizontal, stretching from way before and ending somewhere in the distance, not as long (or lengthy) a stretch ahead as behind, but still, a feeling of stretched longingness. and it is muted atmosphere again, which was obvious from the get, except where before it was this lightness burned into my retinas (in the 5 birds period of time) there is not bursting light i encounter– but more like an oppressive heavy dense light that is applying to the surface of my environment, sort of like an oily painted fog. before, light dissolved the foggy greatness, now it is a density of lightness that smothers the surroundings.

the palette (in my head) is entirely different because of that difference in atmospheric tendencies. there is smudgy grays that smote out the texas brush colors. as if somewhere you are reminded of the harvest golds and purples of the fall, but it cannot be determined if those warm tones are truly present or imposed on the scene from memory– that is how strong the smudgy smoky density of light is.

today i discovered the horizontal oily blackest black being broken into by the above conditions, and also a vertical “itchy” raspy sort of colorless creamy white (if that makes sense). the whole “black and white” thing, the duality, that is, is what sort of pushed me to want to jot down my thoughts in words– and the black even stretched like a signature across the pass in multitudes. that is something i do not remember seeing, but when it emerged, it made quite a bit of sense, even though now in terms of words, there is no way i’ll explain myself very well. the white density was there, both in what i have been seeing, and also in my every intention. the raspy itchiness is not a part of that intention– and actually rather the opposite of my intention– as i am feeling the whiteness as a creamy texture in my head. viscerally, tactilely, though its scratches on the page.

links of waiting

between moments. halting. action and reaction, or systole and diastole as karma, and the consideration of the fluid between the two.

a letter to seth: my want is my want.

hexagram 54 — surrender to the momen

Hexagrams 5, 27, 48 and 50 : Nourishment in the I Ching

Hexagrams 28 and 33 : Thoughts on the inferior as it pertains to indecisio

envy and competition –

kate hepburn in a cafe

playing in the rain, awaiting hte trial.

democrats in a diner, dropped off at a cottage, snacks, a phone call

stupid freakin loop of poison

waiting, brief interlude with the old man and the animus

the number of your room

remind me to stop

pitch black night

clothes pin

rion appears in a shelter

waiting for a wedding, family, madonna

adelyn, waiting to dance

in the wedding party, entertaining groovepharm friends E

picking out an outfit

somewhere to go, ashton kutcher, grandmothers bathroom

kitty kissing

Washing Dishes, Wanting Sugar

old friends

loyalties

romping with my animus

sitting meditation practice december

pieces not fit for the site

conclusion of the venutian revolution

dreams during the union of two spirited souls Edit |

A Guest Again

Love and Trust are States of Action

Attack of Vanessa

Necessary Acts of Decorum

A Dream Link to Michelle

Poker Faces

Dream Committee in the Warehouse

dream series 6 : initiating the personal unconscious

taboo and individuation conflict

to the question, ‘why this great wait?’

following a string of inquiries which began with an innocent enough question of what might lie in store for me tomorrow, and ending with ‘why is this great wait happening to me’ (with another in between), i ended up reading about the etymology of the 31st hx, to which the particular author writes,

Emotions, like acupuncture, are particular movements that also spread throughout the body without any common link with the means employed.

this totally throws me.

acupuncture causes a rift of physical response which has nothing to do with the needles themselves, but instead a circuitry that generates in the body due to the placement of the needles. so the response is not about the materiality of the stimulus. it is about the circuit of response the body naturally undergoes.

so why am i undergoing this practically impossible wait?

not because of the events themselves… in other words, the literal events are not what is meant to jar me into awakening something sleepy and stale. instead it is my inherent string of responses to these events to which i am meant to awaken. (that phrasing confuses even me and i wrote it.)

i am imagining hx 31 in the following way–

moments occur one after another in our lives, and we do not remember each moment, but only particular moments. something invisible occurs with these remembered moments and acts as a sort of adhesive, binding the experience to our database of memories.  the adhesive is some sort of circuitry of various factors– attention, storage, meaning, etc. i see hx 31 as that circuitry of necessary events that occur in order to bind oneself with something. it is not the binding itself, which might be more hx 32 or 54.

i had previously been speculating that the rough start of my new life was occurring as such due to the nature that great beginnings undergo. as in… the more significant the life change, the slower and rockier the start. i imagine it like some great new Something to which i will soon be moving toward and into and within. but currently i am separate from this great Something. perhaps this binding circuitry i am undergoing is the necessary fusion which will adhere me to that Something. (i am picturing magneto in x-men 2 or 3 where he conglomerates the floating iron from the gaurd’s blood into these solidified metal disks which enables him to transport from one place (prison) to another (freedom).

the events cause these little floating responses to hove about me, and i am pulling them together to trasport me.

the sequence of asks, just for the record, went as such–

what awaits me tomorrow? 51–32

to what does this shock refer? 39-5

why this great wait? 31

Protected: between moments. halting. action and reaction, or systole and diastole as karma, and the consideration of the fluid between the two.

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